Wednesday, June 14, 2017

So much for staying on top...

So in case you haven't noticed, it's been several months since I've gotten around to making an update. I'd intended to make a real effort at keeping up with it, and then depression hit again. 

Depression is something I have struggled with for most of my life. In my younger and teen years it was especially present, but as I got older, it's been much much better. That said, occasionally (especially when the weather is shitty) I get into bouts of it. Usually it leaves again almost as quickly as it came, but after we came home from our trip in December, it started to show up, and decided to stay for a while. 

Unfortunately, in addition to just feeling sad and down, for me, it also brings on the shittiest eating habits as I try to find happiness in food. Needless to say, I started gaining a good bit of weight after having eaten nearly my weight in carbs for months, and putting pole on hold because I just couldn't find happiness and motivation in it anymore. 

I'm ashamed to admit that I am not only back up to 133 lbs., but I've lost a lot of the moves that I used to nail back in November, and the cycle has just continued over the months. 

Earlier this month, David and the girls and I made a roadtrip out to the east coast to visit his family, my family, and a lovely friend. While we were there, I felt completely in my element, and was just purely happy. I soaked up every single minute of it. We also attended the International Pole Convention in Atlanta, GA, and got to take a few workshops, including some together. It really renewed my want and motivation to return to pole. I was inspired again. Since we've been home, I've been taking as many classes as I can reasonably take (without being too selfish) and David and I will be performing (separately) for our very first public show at the Swan Dive this Thursday night. I am both excited, but also super nervous..

I recorded myself, and while I'm mostly satisfied with my routine, I come back to seeing myself in video and just feeling like absolute shit for both looking the way that I do and for letting myself get to this point. You would think that it'd then be super simple to just use that as motivation and get back on track, but really the cycle just continues, and seeing myself like that depresses me and makes me want to eat more shit. It's a very tough cycle to break for sure, but I'm really trying to take the first steps to correct is, and the first one is admitting my problem to both myself and others. 

I want to be confident and feel sexy like I did this time last year. I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I want to be fit. I want to be strong. So here goes...wish me luck...

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