Monday, July 26, 2010

Right Around The Corner:

It's weird. I'm really starting to feel old. I was thinking today about how when I lived in Tally, I went to a class on FSU's campus as a guest, and felt so young. I felt like FSU was so huge, and almost above me. It's weird. I felt dumb, or maybe just behind, because I was so young. Maybe it's because I was still working on my Associates, while the person I was with was finishing their Bachelors. I don't know. It's a stupid way to think about it, I guess. But here I am, just a few years later, and my world has completely turned upside down. I've gone through some of the worst moments in my life, and gained some of the best. And here I am, just a little more than a week away from graduating with my Masters. Who knew? I never thought I was smart enough. I guess I never gave myself enough credit. First I worried that I wouldn't pass the GRE, then I worried I wouldn't get accepted into a Masters program, then I worried that I'd fail, and almost didn't even bother apply. But here I am now with a 3.37 so far and almost finished. Then I think about us wanting to have children, and just how bad I want it, and how terrified I am that we won't be able to afford it. That I'll put us in huge debt by having children, or worse, we'll decide to wait and then wait some more, and before you know it, my dream of having children will have passed me by. I feel horribly emotional, and scared in every sense of the word. I know what I want, what I'd love to have, it just feels so completely out of reach. I'd thought that I'd have been able to find a job by now. If I had, we'd be able to do the things I want to do, and be where I want to be. It breaks my heart because I feel like a failure in a lot of ways, knowing that I can't help my husband financially. It makes me feel like a bad wife. I wish I had more to offer him. I've been reading a lot lately, trying to take my mind off of everything. It doesn't seem to help for long. I apply for jobs every day and it seems useless.

What do I want? Ultimately, I want to live in Tallahassee. I want to have a child. I want to teach at FSU or TCC. What stands in the way of everything? Money. I wish money wasn't worth so much. I wish money didn't have to be the deciding factor in allowing people to live their lives fully and happily. It always gets in the way. It's so frustrating.

Here graduation is...right around the corner, and I'm terrified. Everything I've put into these past 9 years feels like it's all for nothing. I can't help provide for my family, and I can't be where I want to be, doing what I want to do because of it. I wish I could help him out, and take some of it off his hands. He's a great husband. More than I could ask for. I just wish I could give that back to him.

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