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Monday, July 26, 2010

Right Around The Corner:

It's weird. I'm really starting to feel old. I was thinking today about how when I lived in Tally, I went to a class on FSU's campus as a guest, and felt so young. I felt like FSU was so huge, and almost above me. It's weird. I felt dumb, or maybe just behind, because I was so young. Maybe it's because I was still working on my Associates, while the person I was with was finishing their Bachelors. I don't know. It's a stupid way to think about it, I guess. But here I am, just a few years later, and my world has completely turned upside down. I've gone through some of the worst moments in my life, and gained some of the best. And here I am, just a little more than a week away from graduating with my Masters. Who knew? I never thought I was smart enough. I guess I never gave myself enough credit. First I worried that I wouldn't pass the GRE, then I worried I wouldn't get accepted into a Masters program, then I worried that I'd fail, and almost didn't even bother apply. But here I am now with a 3.37 so far and almost finished. Then I think about us wanting to have children, and just how bad I want it, and how terrified I am that we won't be able to afford it. That I'll put us in huge debt by having children, or worse, we'll decide to wait and then wait some more, and before you know it, my dream of having children will have passed me by. I feel horribly emotional, and scared in every sense of the word. I know what I want, what I'd love to have, it just feels so completely out of reach. I'd thought that I'd have been able to find a job by now. If I had, we'd be able to do the things I want to do, and be where I want to be. It breaks my heart because I feel like a failure in a lot of ways, knowing that I can't help my husband financially. It makes me feel like a bad wife. I wish I had more to offer him. I've been reading a lot lately, trying to take my mind off of everything. It doesn't seem to help for long. I apply for jobs every day and it seems useless.

What do I want? Ultimately, I want to live in Tallahassee. I want to have a child. I want to teach at FSU or TCC. What stands in the way of everything? Money. I wish money wasn't worth so much. I wish money didn't have to be the deciding factor in allowing people to live their lives fully and happily. It always gets in the way. It's so frustrating.

Here graduation is...right around the corner, and I'm terrified. Everything I've put into these past 9 years feels like it's all for nothing. I can't help provide for my family, and I can't be where I want to be, doing what I want to do because of it. I wish I could help him out, and take some of it off his hands. He's a great husband. More than I could ask for. I just wish I could give that back to him.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Just Two Weeks Left:

My lord this went fast and this last two weeks is intimidating. I've got two quizzes, two discussions, and a paper due by the 1st. Bleh. I'm so anxious. I can't wait, but am scared too.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Yay!

Just three more weeks of class. I can't wait to be done with it. Then since I've not been able to take any courses just for fun because I've done nonstop degree crap, I've decided to take German with Renee in the fall, and Sign Language with Renee and Meredith in the spring. :) Hoping it'll be fun and teach me something new. I've always wanted to learn a new language, and the sign language will help both with my kids, and Meredith's. :)

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Happy 4th of July!!

Yesterday we had a nice time at the neighbor's fourth of July party, then a Walmart trip. Then David and I just hung out. Today we got up, David mowed the front lawn, and I did laundry, dishes, and cleaned a bit for our friend who comes tomorrow to visit. Now we're at my parents' cooking steaks, rice and peas, veggie casserole, yeast rolls and watermelon for dinner. Then after dinner, we're heading to Meredith's for a little bit. Hopefully the weather will clear up a little so we can relax in the pool for a bit. Then pending how everyone feels, we'll go watch fireworks by the airport.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Long Weekend Ahead:

Had a great time in St. Augustine with the family on Tuesday! Here's a pic on the beach..



We even saw a seaturtle on the beach! It was beautiful! I didn't want to leave. Maybe we'll go back one of these days and stay the night on the beach. :)

Wednesday we mowed at Meredith's after David got home from work, and I got to play with the kiddos a bit.

Yesterday was a crappy day and it poured. Several times. Then David started working on a free mower he found, and sliced his finger on both sides.

Today has been alright. I read a bit, and am hanging with family. We're going to watch "The Bounty Hunter" here in a bit.

Tomorrow, we've got to take some stuff to the recycling place, and cooking. Then in the evening we've got a party at our neighbor's to go to.

Sunday is a cookout at my parents', Monday a friend of ours is coming to town, and Tuesday is somewhat up in the air. The boys want to go shoot, we may go to the bowling alley, and do another cookout, and then Wednesday I'm helping out with the kiddos at Meredith's. Good times.